about a year ago, i somehow came to the conclusion that being dead would not be such a bad state to be in, if i had decided that i was ready to leave this mortal coil. about 10 years ago, i had an experience of being without a body and it was sheer ordinary bliss. 'twas really really wonderful. the experience faded, yet i was left with the memory, a vivid memory i can still recall with great clarity. i think being dead is like that. the thought was really pleasurable and gave me much comfort.
having decided that, i set out to once again to become vigorously healthy, as i like to be.
Wednesday, 23 March 2016
Experiences of Dark Retreat
Looking back, I have had two interesting experiences, and have heard of a third experience and a fourth.. All four have alluded to a darkness retreat, all four no doubt were interesting enough to recall them, so that when I stumbled across the work, of Andrew Durham, i pricked up my ears, and over the last few weeks, I recalled these four experiences:
1. a sculptor friend was asked to make a wooden coffin, and half way through the commission, he decided to make another for himself. And build it he did. when each of his friends came to visit, he invited them to lay in the coffin. i loved laying in there. i also trusted my friend completely to let me outta there, when i needed out. it was warm and dry and cosy and there was a wonderful swishing wwwwhhoooooshing sound swirling all 'round me. At the time, I thought I had better not really say how very much I loved the experience. I thought my liking it so much was a little creepy. Even so, we had some great laughs about liking it so much.
2. I discovered by accident, that I really loved sitting in my huge walk in old fashioned cedar-lined wardrobe- it smelled wonderful, so I began regular hour- long Vipassana sits. And that same wwwwhhhooossssshhhhing accompanied by deepest peace ever felt as adult . Loved getting I there - completely dark - during the day - the contrast of day and dark thrilled me - surprised by joy!
3. About a year ago, was reading about niacin - massive doses "curing" schizophrenia.
And somewhere amongst all that reading, there was a story related by one of the researchers. Have attempted to find it since to no avail.
A woman patient - schizophrenia - disappeared from a "facility".. She walk back into the facility about a week later, overjoyed , declaring her total wellness. She said she had been resting under a huge pile of leaves,not emerging all that time.
4. Reading of the tribe, the Elder Brothers, the Kogi where it is a practice to spend varying amounts of time in total darkness as their choice and contribution to the tribe. Apparently, some of the babies are "chosen" by the tribe from birth. from this webpage:
"That binding thread of spirit, called aluna, is central to the Kogi philosophy. An enlightened teacher, Mama Valencia, explains:
Everything we do is an event not only in the physical world but also in the spirit world. We live in a world shaped in spirit. Every tree, every stone, every river, has a spirit form, invisible to the Younger Brother. This is the world of aluna, the world of thought and spirit. Aluna embraces intelligence, soul and fertility: it is the stuff of life, the essence of reality. The material world is underpinned, shaped, given life and generative power in aluna, and the Mama's work is carried out in aluna. -- p. 63Because Kogi elders or Mamas are seers, graduates of a mystery school, they have the natural ability to penetrate higher planes of existence and hidden causes. They understand the vital truth of the maxim "as above, so below." When the Younger Brother in his vanity, urged by his greed and ambition, thinks that he is "running things," that is when the planet and our existence on it become endangered. The expression of the law of the Great Mother is interfered with."
deep abiding sustainable joy
on wakening after a nap, it is in this moment that i realise that i have been searching, not for some thing vague (as it might seem to myself and others), but rather something quite quite specific - Joy! even though, until this moment, i have not been able to identify it. Joy! that all-pervading sensation/experience of RAPTURE! which transports one to a timeless and space-less sensation of total goodness and grace and wild wild presence where every cell is enlivened and everything in sight is perfectly alive and wonderful and bright and lovely. and on remembering it now, that i cannot but shake my head at the absolute indescribable beauty of it. and, strangely, at the common ordinariness of sheer bliss. and of the deep deep peace of it.
happiness and pleasure have no entry into joy. there is no comparison. there is nothing the same in them. as cs lewis says, the only thing they have in common is a longing for them to return. i read some extracts before taking my nap. and this writing, this flurry of expression must be the result of jogging my memory, of realising what it was that i have been searching for all my adult life.
Joy! i can understand calling it God, God's grace. and i can understand not knowing how to return to it. and i can understand concluding, as does cs lewis, that one cannot of ones own accord do anything about it's return. because, if one could then one could wouldn't one. and if so, why hasn't one ; the only conclusion is that one cannot. one does not know how.
in this moment, if i had identified specifically to myself or others what it was for which i was searching, that i would or others would \have in no uncertain terms, to told me that searching for joy is like searching for happiness. that you cannot find it by looking for it. that happiness is a result of SOMETHING ELSE.. that happiness is a result of STAYING CALM, of breathing, of making sure one has the basic necessities of life, good friends and family, and a feeling of purpose then happiness would result.
all of my adult life until recently, i have been consistently swayed by ideas from others: the way to return to that nameless Joy was from variations of loving and accepting others, from effort, determination, will, discipline, goodness, harmony with God, with Nature ..... that if i keep doing all that, then what i need and want will be the result.
and for the last 25 years or so, i have sought to live by Nature, by the guidance of Great Spirit. and i am glad, yet my nameless goal did not seem to be getting me any closure to realising my dreams
recognising my driven search to return to joy has solved the mysteries of why i could not abide most human company. i only seemed to enjoy the company of those who were daily living and discovering the ways of maintaining high human health. there is one particular person whose presence i really enjoy. she is so completely and simply full of happiness when she is partaking of real human food - pure organic, ripe, freshly picked fruit. and living very simply.
at least today, i know what i have been on the trail of all of my life! and it is to replicated that state of ongoing bliss that i experienced as a child. and that ever-resent state of JOY! where did it leave? why did it leave? when will it return? and how? of my own efforts? or of Gods?
that happiness of felt often at church when as a young woman, i would sing with all my heart along with dozens of others was happiness, love. that was not joy. that was the happiness of people all around me acting and feeling in one accord. that indeed was happiness. more than pleasure, i way was transported.
yet it was not joy.
i have just recently had a glimpse of the pleasure of reading poetry. perhaps at times poetry describes symbolically what one cannot describe directly. it is a jolt, a push , an inspiration to keep looking for what one is after. an arrow, aimed not directly at the target, but rather, obliquely. not looking directly at the wanted thing itself.
it is almost as if, by naming it, that one would lose it, or that one would destroy it.
there must be a principle, that by simply being vague about the target, that the target would not become frightened and slip away.
i wonder why is it that i have not truly identified what exactly i was after. was it to preserve the precious thing itself. to preserve it in it's obscurity?
was it that i truly did not know?
could that have been the case?
or was i reluctant to name it, should it slip from my sight.
i think perhaps, that i really did not know.
i must have known once. in early childhood, before the harshness of this life, the small and large shocks, coming thicker and faster, were to drown out the memory of Joy!
15 minutes later ….
am i amazed! i am remembering the times as an adult, there were three.
3 sitting by the tree, in a wooded back yard, and my arms and legs began to float off, and me along with it, all the while watching myself, saying ah so this is what it is to be without a body …. hmmmm i think i like it …. not so bed being without a body … not so bad being "dead"
2 flying high above hill end, as i was walking down the street, seeing all of the streets, house, trees people moving below …. whilst waling down the street with several friends, arrived home an d the feeling of bliss stayed with me about 15 mins or half an hour, not sure and then faded …. all the while going through the motions of prepping food, all in this state of pure pure bliss as
1 in the top story of my newcastle studio, i was flying outside my window, along with some seagulls and some blackish birds. sheer joyous bliss.
for over 4 weeks now , i have been suffering the sheer exhaustion of being totally engulfed by insane itching over my whole body. my nervous system must by now be destroyed entirely. they are tiny, i cannot see them. mosquitoes are mild in comparison. you would i think, how could a clean freak like me be suffering such horrors. i am so fastidious with personal cleanliness.
this knowing, this realisation of what i have been searching for: why has it come now? i can only conclude that it is because i am quietly certain, after over 40 years of searching, on how to return to it. on how to return to it without actually dying, or without going anywhere near dying. this not dying is definitely a bonus.
so how am i certain? through discovering by accident, a process called "darkness retreat".
happiness and pleasure have no entry into joy. there is no comparison. there is nothing the same in them. as cs lewis says, the only thing they have in common is a longing for them to return. i read some extracts before taking my nap. and this writing, this flurry of expression must be the result of jogging my memory, of realising what it was that i have been searching for all my adult life.
Joy! i can understand calling it God, God's grace. and i can understand not knowing how to return to it. and i can understand concluding, as does cs lewis, that one cannot of ones own accord do anything about it's return. because, if one could then one could wouldn't one. and if so, why hasn't one ; the only conclusion is that one cannot. one does not know how.
in this moment, if i had identified specifically to myself or others what it was for which i was searching, that i would or others would \have in no uncertain terms, to told me that searching for joy is like searching for happiness. that you cannot find it by looking for it. that happiness is a result of SOMETHING ELSE.. that happiness is a result of STAYING CALM, of breathing, of making sure one has the basic necessities of life, good friends and family, and a feeling of purpose then happiness would result.
all of my adult life until recently, i have been consistently swayed by ideas from others: the way to return to that nameless Joy was from variations of loving and accepting others, from effort, determination, will, discipline, goodness, harmony with God, with Nature ..... that if i keep doing all that, then what i need and want will be the result.
and for the last 25 years or so, i have sought to live by Nature, by the guidance of Great Spirit. and i am glad, yet my nameless goal did not seem to be getting me any closure to realising my dreams
recognising my driven search to return to joy has solved the mysteries of why i could not abide most human company. i only seemed to enjoy the company of those who were daily living and discovering the ways of maintaining high human health. there is one particular person whose presence i really enjoy. she is so completely and simply full of happiness when she is partaking of real human food - pure organic, ripe, freshly picked fruit. and living very simply.
at least today, i know what i have been on the trail of all of my life! and it is to replicated that state of ongoing bliss that i experienced as a child. and that ever-resent state of JOY! where did it leave? why did it leave? when will it return? and how? of my own efforts? or of Gods?
that happiness of felt often at church when as a young woman, i would sing with all my heart along with dozens of others was happiness, love. that was not joy. that was the happiness of people all around me acting and feeling in one accord. that indeed was happiness. more than pleasure, i way was transported.
yet it was not joy.
i have just recently had a glimpse of the pleasure of reading poetry. perhaps at times poetry describes symbolically what one cannot describe directly. it is a jolt, a push , an inspiration to keep looking for what one is after. an arrow, aimed not directly at the target, but rather, obliquely. not looking directly at the wanted thing itself.
it is almost as if, by naming it, that one would lose it, or that one would destroy it.
there must be a principle, that by simply being vague about the target, that the target would not become frightened and slip away.
i wonder why is it that i have not truly identified what exactly i was after. was it to preserve the precious thing itself. to preserve it in it's obscurity?
was it that i truly did not know?
could that have been the case?
or was i reluctant to name it, should it slip from my sight.
i think perhaps, that i really did not know.
i must have known once. in early childhood, before the harshness of this life, the small and large shocks, coming thicker and faster, were to drown out the memory of Joy!
15 minutes later ….
am i amazed! i am remembering the times as an adult, there were three.
3 sitting by the tree, in a wooded back yard, and my arms and legs began to float off, and me along with it, all the while watching myself, saying ah so this is what it is to be without a body …. hmmmm i think i like it …. not so bed being without a body … not so bad being "dead"
2 flying high above hill end, as i was walking down the street, seeing all of the streets, house, trees people moving below …. whilst waling down the street with several friends, arrived home an d the feeling of bliss stayed with me about 15 mins or half an hour, not sure and then faded …. all the while going through the motions of prepping food, all in this state of pure pure bliss as
1 in the top story of my newcastle studio, i was flying outside my window, along with some seagulls and some blackish birds. sheer joyous bliss.
for over 4 weeks now , i have been suffering the sheer exhaustion of being totally engulfed by insane itching over my whole body. my nervous system must by now be destroyed entirely. they are tiny, i cannot see them. mosquitoes are mild in comparison. you would i think, how could a clean freak like me be suffering such horrors. i am so fastidious with personal cleanliness.
this knowing, this realisation of what i have been searching for: why has it come now? i can only conclude that it is because i am quietly certain, after over 40 years of searching, on how to return to it. on how to return to it without actually dying, or without going anywhere near dying. this not dying is definitely a bonus.
so how am i certain? through discovering by accident, a process called "darkness retreat".
Friday, 29 January 2016
My parents are dead. It's my turn next.
That's what I thought when dad died. Apparently being dead is not that bad. Have you ever thought about it? somehow i do not seem to mind .... a very new and strange idea.
This is a new blog. See my other posts on Eco Toothbrush
This is a new blog. See my other posts on Eco Toothbrush
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