on wakening after a nap, it is in this moment that i realise that i have been searching, not for some thing vague (as it might seem to myself and others), but rather something quite quite specific - Joy! even though, until this moment, i have not been able to identify it. Joy! that all-pervading sensation/experience of RAPTURE! which transports one to a timeless and space-less sensation of total goodness and grace and wild wild presence where every cell is enlivened and everything in sight is perfectly alive and wonderful and bright and lovely. and on remembering it now, that i cannot but shake my head at the absolute indescribable beauty of it. and, strangely, at the common ordinariness of sheer bliss. and of the deep deep peace of it.
happiness and pleasure have no entry into joy. there is no comparison. there is nothing the same in them. as cs lewis says, the only thing they have in common is a longing for them to return. i read some extracts before taking my nap. and this writing, this flurry of expression must be the result of jogging my memory, of realising what it was that i have been searching for all my adult life.
Joy! i can understand calling it God, God's grace. and i can understand not knowing how to return to it. and i can understand concluding, as does cs lewis, that one cannot of ones own accord do anything about it's return. because, if one could then one could wouldn't one. and if so, why hasn't one ; the only conclusion is that one cannot. one does not know how.
in this moment, if i had identified specifically to myself or others what it was for which i was searching, that i would or others would \have in no uncertain terms, to told me that searching for joy is like searching for happiness. that you cannot find it by looking for it. that happiness is a result of SOMETHING ELSE.. that happiness is a result of STAYING CALM, of breathing, of making sure one has the basic necessities of life, good friends and family, and a feeling of purpose then happiness would result.
all of my adult life until recently, i have been consistently swayed by ideas from others: the way to return to that nameless Joy was from variations of loving and accepting others, from effort, determination, will, discipline, goodness, harmony with God, with Nature ..... that if i keep doing all that, then what i need and want will be the result.
and for the last 25 years or so, i have sought to live by Nature, by the guidance of Great Spirit. and i am glad, yet my nameless goal did not seem to be getting me any closure to realising my dreams
recognising my driven search to return to joy has solved the mysteries of why i could not abide most human company. i only seemed to enjoy the company of those who were daily living and discovering the ways of maintaining high human health. there is one particular person whose presence i really enjoy. she is so completely and simply full of happiness when she is partaking of real human food - pure organic, ripe, freshly picked fruit. and living very simply.
at least today, i know what i have been on the trail of all of my life! and it is to replicated that state of ongoing bliss that i experienced as a child. and that ever-resent state of JOY! where did it leave? why did it leave? when will it return? and how? of my own efforts? or of Gods?
that happiness of felt often at church when as a young woman, i would sing with all my heart along with dozens of others was happiness, love. that was not joy. that was the happiness of people all around me acting and feeling in one accord. that indeed was happiness. more than pleasure, i way was transported.
yet it was not joy.
i have just recently had a glimpse of the pleasure of reading poetry. perhaps at times poetry describes symbolically what one cannot describe directly. it is a jolt, a push , an inspiration to keep looking for what one is after. an arrow, aimed not directly at the target, but rather, obliquely. not looking directly at the wanted thing itself.
it is almost as if, by naming it, that one would lose it, or that one would destroy it.
there must be a principle, that by simply being vague about the target, that the target would not become frightened and slip away.
i wonder why is it that i have not truly identified what exactly i was after. was it to preserve the precious thing itself. to preserve it in it's obscurity?
was it that i truly did not know?
could that have been the case?
or was i reluctant to name it, should it slip from my sight.
i think perhaps, that i really did not know.
i must have known once. in early childhood, before the harshness of this life, the small and large shocks, coming thicker and faster, were to drown out the memory of Joy!
15 minutes later ….
am i amazed! i am remembering the times as an adult, there were three.
3 sitting by the tree, in a wooded back yard, and my arms and legs began to float off, and me along with it, all the while watching myself, saying ah so this is what it is to be without a body …. hmmmm i think i like it …. not so bed being without a body … not so bad being "dead"
2 flying high above hill end, as i was walking down the street, seeing all of the streets, house, trees people moving below …. whilst waling down the street with several friends, arrived home an d the feeling of bliss stayed with me about 15 mins or half an hour, not sure and then faded …. all the while going through the motions of prepping food, all in this state of pure pure bliss as
1 in the top story of my newcastle studio, i was flying outside my window, along with some seagulls and some blackish birds. sheer joyous bliss.
for over 4 weeks now , i have been suffering the sheer exhaustion of being totally engulfed by insane itching over my whole body. my nervous system must by now be destroyed entirely. they are tiny, i cannot see them. mosquitoes are mild in comparison. you would i think, how could a clean freak like me be suffering such horrors. i am so fastidious with personal cleanliness.
this knowing, this realisation of what i have been searching for: why has it come now? i can only conclude that it is because i am quietly certain, after over 40 years of searching, on how to return to it. on how to return to it without actually dying, or without going anywhere near dying. this not dying is definitely a bonus.
so how am i certain? through discovering by accident, a process called "darkness retreat".
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